im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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