What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
