Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
