I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I am one with the molecules
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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