I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
