No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
