hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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