made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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