drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
