So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
