I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
"it" just moved
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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