Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just want to make out with him forever
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
