ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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