i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
