My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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