omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I deserve this hangover.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
