Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
