I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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