you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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