If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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