she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
