I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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