I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.