He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"