I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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