he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
this hospital has no fireball
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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