he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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