He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
