I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
