you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
