When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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