Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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