As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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