Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
