I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Randomize
