Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
