so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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