u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
