The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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