So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
