My nipple is on Facebook.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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