All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
