her vagine was all disorganized.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
