I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
