i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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