My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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