dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
