I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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