theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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