I'm lost and stupid without you.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
