I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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