my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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