Pappa wants mamma naked
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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