All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
