I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Someone signed my nipple.
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