You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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