what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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