Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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