she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
