I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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