Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
