Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
