I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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