I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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